tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post4015323474717986932..comments2023-05-14T07:58:39.780-06:00Comments on My Inner Fairy: 2 blogfest entries!!Summer Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08122694893668693244noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-47161057402720210332011-01-05T18:18:01.992-07:002011-01-05T18:18:01.992-07:00This comment is in respect to the 'Show me'...This comment is in respect to the 'Show me' blogfest entry:<br /><br />Fascinating start - it sounds like a very powerful amulet. However, the repetition of 'around his neck' twice in the same sentence is jarring to me. Also 'He clutched into his fist...' seems to be missing a pronoun.<br />There's an awful lot of color in the description of Astra, but that isn't a bad thing.<br />'...his whole body itched the itch no one could scratch.' That's an oddly awesome phrase.<br />The witch's curse is interesting, but I'm curious about its overall effect - and how much use the charm would be to Jude in his trade. Would it prevent him from being captured or trapped in a confined place?<br />Thanks for sharing, and taking part in the 'Show me' blogfest!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-43747716169892012932011-01-04T08:53:33.126-07:002011-01-04T08:53:33.126-07:00Hi Summer,
So there's a few things to point o...Hi Summer,<br /><br />So there's a few things to point out here. The first paragraph is mostly telling. At least that's from my perspective. It looks like you're telling a list of what the charm does. Scrap all that and go from the MC's head. Are all of what you told me all the things he thinks he can do with the charm? Make it more personal to his voice.<br /><br />Second is small, but word economy here. First line of P2, you say "before his hand touched the charm." So, how else would he touch the charm? His foot? Seems silly, but thinking the obvious on your sentences helps trim words. So that makes you see it can be, "Laughter rang before he touched the charm."<br /><br />Small commentary. Thanks for sharing!<br /><br />JWP<br /><a href="jwparente.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">In My Write Mind</a>Justin W. Parentehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05951018201906897315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-42665250521799478982011-01-04T06:48:13.168-07:002011-01-04T06:48:13.168-07:00Wow! That sentence is quite impressive. Good job :...Wow! That sentence is quite impressive. Good job :)Carol Kilgorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15168273312704732896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-59086605853114822282011-01-04T06:44:45.774-07:002011-01-04T06:44:45.774-07:00I like Jude. He seems to have a genuine sense of ...I like Jude. He seems to have a genuine sense of purpose, going after what he wants despite the danger. And the mini-cliffhanger works, too.<br /><br />Also, the sentence is great, too. Very deep. I like it.Danhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01103849952547613477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-59826556123670941352011-01-04T03:36:05.360-07:002011-01-04T03:36:05.360-07:00I love both your entries, Summer. Your nano piece ...I love both your entries, Summer. Your nano piece has such great description and leaves me wanting to read more!Ellie Garratthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03731071128348213067noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-35588251003057633682011-01-03T22:02:51.407-07:002011-01-03T22:02:51.407-07:00Your fantasy post is enticing. I want to read more...Your fantasy post is enticing. I want to read more. Your long sentence is great, I hope you win. I didn't join any Jan. blogfest because, I have this awesome blog book tour of which you are a part. Thank you so much.<br />Nancy<br /><a href="http://nrwilliams.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">N. R. Williams, fantasy author</a>N. R. Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174506528962095858noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-69689598374726734112011-01-03T21:37:02.704-07:002011-01-03T21:37:02.704-07:00oooh, well done. I'm with Tony. I wanted to sc...oooh, well done. I'm with Tony. I wanted to scratch my hand as well! haha! Thank you for participating!!Hannahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16915603693944523761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-71832880270905234902011-01-03T21:10:24.599-07:002011-01-03T21:10:24.599-07:00Both entries were fantastic. Loved Jude's urge...Both entries were fantastic. Loved Jude's urgency and the mystery we are left with. <br /><br />Really loved the 100 word sentence entry. <br /><br />Great job on both,<br /><br />JJodi Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216373059861459896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-89422069269178834912011-01-03T21:06:02.994-07:002011-01-03T21:06:02.994-07:00I love your use of the little details--like her ey...I love your use of the little details--like her eyes sparkling green and her garnet lips. Great description! I also have a soft spot for the name Jude hahaha Great job. Thanks for sharing!Jessica Silvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15405267450788581689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-16639964279401884132011-01-03T18:59:15.255-07:002011-01-03T18:59:15.255-07:00Thanks for sharing your 99 word sentence! I'v...Thanks for sharing your 99 word sentence! I've been thinking about entering that challenge all day! It's inspiring to read your entry.<br /><br />That's one nasty witch in your Show Me Yours excerpt! I like her a lot! And that Jude fellow is okay, I suppose. I've got a soft spot for thieves.Elizabeth Twisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03133959633383307056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-5627503027667918932011-01-03T16:38:28.244-07:002011-01-03T16:38:28.244-07:00your 100 word sentence is fantastic. I really love...your 100 word sentence is fantastic. I really loved it.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12096764010151024050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-36728526427595077882011-01-03T16:06:57.091-07:002011-01-03T16:06:57.091-07:00I loved your Show Me Yours excerpt. I found myself...I loved your Show Me Yours excerpt. I found myself scratching by the time I finished it! Also your 99 words is well crafted and engaging.Tony Bensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06798586432645889182noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-7282004625587978322011-01-03T16:04:26.119-07:002011-01-03T16:04:26.119-07:00Whoa! He must get the trinket, he must! I loved it...Whoa! He must get the trinket, he must! I loved it and was hooked straight away. Your 99 word sentance is amazing, best of luck.<br />Thank you for stopping by my blog too, today, so many stories to get through!Margo Bensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06759845391358543223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-50998876484245956142011-01-03T16:00:54.052-07:002011-01-03T16:00:54.052-07:00Great blogfest entries Summer. I love your imagery...Great blogfest entries Summer. I love your imagery in your first piece. I was forgetting to breathe for you 100 words one. Phew! Well done! Happy New Writing Year!Denise Covey https://www.blogger.com/profile/07106490051555233439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-90314089849510692432011-01-03T14:59:56.177-07:002011-01-03T14:59:56.177-07:00J.C.~ Good points, When I do revisions these will ...J.C.~ Good points, When I do revisions these will come in handy- thank you.Summer Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08122694893668693244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-35594534467183124212011-01-03T13:41:07.707-07:002011-01-03T13:41:07.707-07:00That was creepy...he scratched through himself! In...That was creepy...he scratched through himself! Interesting concept and imagery. :)<br /><br />"The simple white square with a silver heart dangling in its middle protected any who wore it from danger." I think this sentence could be clearer with a rewrite, perhaps along the lines of "The simple white square, with the dangling silver heart in its centre, protected any who wore it from danger."<br /><br />"An itching followed slinking on the surface of his skin and circling its way up his arm until his whole body itched the itch no one could scratch." This could possibly be pared down a little too, along with the addition of more punctuation, maybe "An itching followed, slinking along his skin [skin is already on the surface so mentioning that may be a bit redundant] and circling up his arm, until his whole body itched with an itch no one could scratch."<br /><br />Feel free to completely disregard my comments. :) <br /><br />Liked your 100-word sentence too! :)J.C. Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01567971311643106302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-9845145325314688982011-01-03T11:16:30.715-07:002011-01-03T11:16:30.715-07:00I love your blogfest entries. I really want to kno...I love your blogfest entries. I really want to know what happens next in the first one, and the sentence is amazing--especially since it's 99 words long!Golden Eaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08721520451194318436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-7897961866498246062011-01-03T10:43:12.946-07:002011-01-03T10:43:12.946-07:00Ooh! What's she gonna make him do?! Nice. I al...Ooh! What's she gonna make him do?! Nice. I also liked the 100 words. I'm gonna have to see about entering that one! :DRebecca T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11994380364321336824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-50769364235357079162011-01-03T09:46:19.423-07:002011-01-03T09:46:19.423-07:00I was here. Thanks for joining!I was here. Thanks for joining!Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-3270815982348661702011-01-03T09:24:29.939-07:002011-01-03T09:24:29.939-07:00Dang and in that last paragraph my nose started it...Dang and in that last paragraph my nose started itching. No way am I going to scratch it :)<br /><br />That sentence should be on a plaque on your wall!<br /><a href="http://fragilemouse.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow</a>Juleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02136045025997662057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-61932249120386800382011-01-03T08:54:59.033-07:002011-01-03T08:54:59.033-07:00oooh, i didn't know about the 100 word sentenc...oooh, i didn't know about the 100 word sentence contest so that is awesome!<br />As for the excerpt, at first i was like "oh man, i WANT that charm" mostly for nefarious reasons. But then i got the end and i was all "hmm, maybe i should wait and see what the side effects are..."<br />great job!Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-19118626081900292282011-01-03T08:11:13.708-07:002011-01-03T08:11:13.708-07:00Oooh your Show me Yours entry is such fun!! What h...Oooh your Show me Yours entry is such fun!! What happened to Jude's body and what has Astra got planned for him and just how much does Jude want this charm?!?! Wonderful! <br /><br />Your 99 word sentence is excellent!!!! Wow!! Good luck with this - it's a fab sentence! Take care<br />xOld Kittyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13185547869183611159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-58224961677921733442011-01-03T07:29:23.528-07:002011-01-03T07:29:23.528-07:00The witch story had a lot of info without there be...The witch story had a lot of info without there being an "info dump" -- Bravo! It's a good trick, and really hard to pull off (for me, anyway). I like how the second entry transitions from the graphic to the obscure!Will Burkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10158149526658590324noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392110820423124271.post-30592957460706380532011-01-03T07:17:36.545-07:002011-01-03T07:17:36.545-07:00Love your 100 word sentence. I think I would have ...Love your 100 word sentence. I think I would have to use lots of adjectives and adverbs but you have a powerful message.<br />Great.<br />CDAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12160669603997465454noreply@blogger.com