Life

So unfortunately life has kept me from class a little, But hey there's still plenty to say right?

I went to bingo with my grandmother, You would be surprised the kind of people that are their. Bingo is stereo typed as an old people thing, and yes several older generations, male and female, attend, but allot of them are younger generation, mostly female there. It was actually quite fun. There were several younger couple attending as well. The one thing I did notice about the people there, was that they seemed lonely, specially the older men.

I have noticed alot more of stereo types since starting this class, even when people talk among friends. I was at the mall today and there were a couple ladies standing in line infront of me, and right out of the blue she quotes what her husband would say if he knew where she was. So whats wrong with shopping, everyone does it, some people just enjoy it more...

Barbelittle

It's strange to think how many women live up to others expectations, I wasn't sure I was going to write about this, but it just keeps jutting out in my mind. There was a mardi gras at a local bar recently, which i attended, and for starters there was a bead contest, naturally, but it was only with women, and how do you suppose they got those beads, not only from paying customers but bartenders as well, I'm sure you can figure it out if you are familiar with mardi gras at all, if not, well lets just say topless is a key element....any way so there is one mark I may not have looked at twice before this class, then lets add in another, two women actually went around the room topless (at the bar) with only beads letting guys take pictures, i think some women too, but not completely sure. Honestly because of the attention, I only half wished I could be as bold as that, but at the same time, what they were doing was not creating a good outlook for themselves as women....just my opinion. I don't care if they run around topless, The point is the reason and attention behind it, it just shows what some people will do to be accepted in a social gathering/situation......

Home or work?

I had a curiousity.... Given the oppurtunity to stay home how many truly would or have?

Honestly I like both. But not one or the other.
for me there are huge downfalls to both. I have two kids and I have to work/or something to support them. and as I thought of my answer to this question I realized I'm both mom/dad for the most part. Dad is involved regularly-however he doesn't take care of school, therapy, housing, meals, projects, learning, displine regularly, field trips, activities, and the list goes on. But as some one who assumes the role of both with a kind of outside static I realized not just from me but people who know me that I'm a genuinly accepting person. I just accept what needs to be done, I accept responsibility, I accept opinions(and am teaching to their fathers dismay my girls to have an opinion.) I accept other peoples life styles even if they are in my own home. I do have opinions of these people, but I accept who they are as a person. And I think it draws from my experience, at home and work.
At home allot means I'm alone alot, not socially inclined, too much time on my hands, eventual depressed.
However being at work more than not, means no time with my kids, no real conditioning time to help mold them, everything is rushed and they spend a good too much portion of thier time with another adult other than me, who eventually i end up contending with over what is right for my children, but also acceptable to the environement of a sitter....

Strange, there are good things to both worlds which is why both would be better.

Fear

Most people have fears, even if they don't admit them to another living soul, it doesn't mean they don't exist. The only person who can say for sure is the person themselves.

I have fears, fears that include a man but aren't afraid of him killing me. I guess in a way he could, he could kill my want to live. But that's because i give him that control. It's my ex husband. Everyday that goes by I fear, mostly for my children and partially for my self. If I don't do good in his eyes, in the courts eyes my kids are gone. He can try to strip them from me. I'm terrified of that. I would fight with everything I have and all that I am, doesn't mean I'll win. It wont matter how much I love them, but because he makes a better living then I and because he is now remarried with two person income and a new house and I am not, means he could use this against me and the court could see how much better he could care for our children. It's all fear based, but true. It's an overwhelming fear that he could try to do this if I make one wrong move.

At the same time, this class opened allot of doors in my brain. Showing me just how much control i let him have because he truly sees himself as superior, was raised that way by his mother, and after five years of marriage almost convinced me that i was inferior.

I want to say "I'm the person who stands up, never backs down, doesn't allow those I love to walk over me." But in truth, I'm just learning how to do that. I can walk into school and pretend so easily that I'm not terrified, of class, of those younger around me, of the women who can manage to truly say I don't let people walk over me, men or women. But it's an image I produce, and not in truth, in truth I'm terrified of everything I'm going through right not, terrified of failing in college, and terrified right down to everything that I am that my ex will gain custody of my two beautiful girls and take everything from me.

Strange how that works....