If I had to describe myself, it would be in a word that has many meanings with a complexity which falls off the tongue.
A word made up of many elements, is deceptive in appearance, and creates an illusion from the imagination.
My word would be Phantasmagoric. ~Summer Ross

Saturday, October 16, 2010

First page blogfest

Hello everyone- here is my entry for Elle's First page blogfest  Its short and has more dialogue than anything because that is what I was playing with. Tell me what you think- its ok to be harsh as long as its respectfully done.  This is only about 240 words so its a short read. After your done go have a looksie at everyone elses posts! There is some formatting issues with blogger- but its all readable.


 **********

“There in the back,” Felicia pointed a long slender finger.
“Four inches?” Sonia nodded her diamond shaped crown.
“Yes, with Mahogany waves.” Felicia’s manicured hands gently lifted the café mocha to her full red lips.
“Kind of plain, however, there is an appeal to the simplicity,” Sonia glanced back to her slim friend.
“I’d give a five maximum,” Felicia retorted.
“There’s a certain Je ne sais quoi, maybe it’s the fierceness ? I’d say six, the gentleman in the pin stripe noticed already.” Sonia flipped her golden curls behind her bare shoulders.
“Good point, I often wonder why they bother,” Felicia met Sonia’s eyes.
            The two of them sat quietly at the small metal table. Donya knew their type, judgmental. Clearly, they could not see past their own doctored noses.  They were right about how fierce a presence could be, even in the ordinary.  Having money, it would be easy for them to talk about such a priceless physique.
Donya knew she did not need money to appreciate her life, but their words bit deep, crunching down on the strings that held her emotions intact. Her nails were not tipped with shiny gloss. Her hair did not gleam in the sunlight, most times, it did its own thing, but today she let it hang by her shoulders. Her black fay t-shirt was not made of silk like Sonia’s white blouse. Her tight blue jeans had a small hole in the pocket, but they fit Donya’s form well.

23 comments:

Brenda Drake said...

I couldn't get a sense of what was going on here. I do like Donya so far and I'm curious enough to keep reading. :D

roxy said...

It was too short a snippet! I was really interested in these characters, but a bit confused by the scene. Good dialogue. It drew the reader in, but perhaps a little too much description in the narration. Great piece.

Stephanie said...

I like Donya as well and I got a good sense of the women. I was kinda confused in the beginning though. Not sure what is going on or where they even are. The measurements really threw me. If Donya is the MC, I think it might be wiser to start with her instead of the other two women....an internal thought.

Hope this helps!!

Stephanie said...

Ps...is this women's fiction?? I think most women like to read about normal, down to earth MC's...women they can identify with and that is definitely what you have captured in Donya. I am interested to see what happens next and find out where they are and if Donya knows these women or if she's just observing.

DLCurran said...

Though I'm not sure what's going on, I'd like to know more - so you've baited the hook. :)

Francine said...

Hi,

I figured Felicia and Sonia were bitching about another person, but POV switch to Donya caught me unawares! I feel there's a crossover element needed to aid the switch: waitress intervention maybe, the bloke in the pin-stripe leaving, whatever, in order to shift from F&S focus to D. Or keep the bitching going a litte bit longer and allow background elements to filter into the conversation, because there's no defining feature of where they all are. Basically good idea for an opening scene, though. ;)
best
F

Summer Ross said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. They are suppossed to be in a coffee shop- sitting at a table with Donya overhearing the conversation- him I think i need to make that much clearer in here. I also like the idea of starting out with Donya. Thanks everyone for your suggestions! I think they will really help out in a rewrite.

Talli Roland said...

Very interesting, Summer, with some intriguing characters. It could be the length, but I would have liked to have known the setting of the scene a bit more, just to ground me in it. Thanks for sharing!

Shallee said...

Thanks for sharing this! I liked the details you gave in the scene. I was a little confused, but I think just a little bit of clarity at the beginning would be all that's needed for me. I thought this was a story about Felicia and Sonia. I didn't realize Donya was the main character at first. I like the characters, though! Good luck.

Nathalie said...

As mentioned before, the beginning was a bit difficult to grasp. After I read it a few times, I understood better who was saying what. I think there's a lot of description going on after each piece of dialogue, maybe that's what's confusing? It's a very intriguing piece and I'm curious to know what they're 'measuring'! You've captured a feel of Donya in few words that makes me like her already.

Elle Strauss said...

I found it a little hard to follow so much dialogue at the beginning without context to fit it in, but your characters are interesting. Thanks for sharing!

Old Kitty said...

Hi

I like Donya and how in a few sentences you got into her psyche of being a fighter even if she was feeling belittled.

I think your pov shifts from the dialogue to Donya didn't really work for me - but Donya is a good strong character! Take care
x

Janet Johnson said...

I liked Donya once we got to her. All the dialogue at the beginning was hard to follow, and I was a little surprised to find that neither of the first two characters were the MC. But a little more grounding at the beginning, and you've got some great characters to play with. :)

Good luck!

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

Loved it once I got to the second paragraph. I just couldn't get a handle on the opening. I feel left out of the conversation and I really don't know what they are talking about. It propbably wouldn't take much for your characters to subtly explain to us what they are talking about.

Marieke said...

I was a bit confused at the beginning too, not sure what was happening. Loved the banter though! :)

Jessie said...

I also was a little confused by the dialog, but was intrigued by the details. Four inch what? A diamond shaped crown? I wanted to know more what was going on, for sure. But also, by the end, this seemed to be Donia's story, so I'd suggest starting with her POV somehow -- letting us know she's just listening in on the other girls -- so we have a bit more context. Thanks for sharing and stopping by my blog.

C. N. Nevets said...

I thought the dialogue was overall clever and snappy, and I thought you did a terrific job with characterization.

The description in the dialogue tags felt a little thick, but that might just be a matter of taste. The POV switch to Donya was a smidge jarring, but I didn't have a hard time following the transition despite that.

Smooth it a bit and I think you're good! It's clearly gotten a lot of interest!

L'Aussie said...

Hi Summer. Now that I know it's in a coffee shop it makes more sense. I guess as most said, it's a bit short and you haven't set the scene yet. I like your choice of names, to me they're unusual. I also think you do dialogue very well and that's one of the most crucial things. Also like Francine said, the POV needs to be sharpened.

I didn't enter this one. No time, but I'll get around to read..:)

Jessie Oliveros said...

It seems you can keep most of the elements of the beginning just by rearranging a little bit. Like everyone has suggested...starting with Donya. I like the idea of the MC sitting in a coffee shop overhearing a conversation and even comparing herself to the other ladies she sees. Who hasn't done that?

Rachael Harrie said...

Hi, thanks for sharing. The first couple of lines, pointing by one person and "four inches" by another made me think they were talking about a hair cut (*laughs*). So I'm glad I found out they were in a cafe, though I'm really curious to find out what they are talking about. BTW, I LOVE your line "but their words bit deep..."

Rach

Sharde(Shar-day) said...

Sorry I'm late, Summer. My bad.

I was a little lost with the opening dialogue. Really didn't get a sense of what was happening.Is Donya sitting with them? Is she observing them from afar? If so, how was she able to hear them so clearly? Wait, is she a waitress?

I think you should stick with Donya's pov first and build around that. The dialogue just slows it down a bit when introduced this way.

Sharde

Sandra Ulbrich Almazan said...

I'm late commenting, so I don't think I have much to add. I can identify with Donya a lot more than the other two women. I'm intrigued by the measuring; I'd like to know what Sonia and Felicia are discussing. I agree that starting with Donya would make it clearer who's head we're in. I also think if you cut some of the description out of the other two women's conversation, it would make the pacing more natural. Good luck!

kathrynjankowski said...

Like others, I was lost as to setting and circumstance, which made the dialogue hard to follow. I like the idea of starting with Donya. She seems like a strong character.

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