8 sentences from my WIP Bloodstone.
Okay as much as I'd like to continue from last week- I rewrote the entire first chapter- AGAIN-I know, I know...don't throw those tomatoes!
Here is my new start...
Ebony’s breath shallowed. The sound came from her father’s old study across the small house. The only thing between her room and the study was the kitchen. She perked her ear, perhaps it had come from outside.Thud. “Damnit”That was distinctly a man’s voice inside the house. Her clock clicked to one in the morning. Ebony threw the downy blanket over and tiptoed to the opened bedroom door.
14 comments:
Spookiness!!!
Not me. I'd hide under the covers, LOL. Thanks for the comment you left at my blog. You're right. I have to fix that.
Ooh tense! Exciting and atmospheric, can't wait to read on!
Nothing like impending peril! Great excerpt and I like it. Also liked the old one.
Great snippet! I'm now dying to know what happens, you've set up the suspense perfectly!
Good eight. Might still need editing. Think about her breath shallowed?. Consider tightening to 'a man's voice'. Very good tension.
Great tension! Simply Sarah
No, no, no! First find a weapon! Hasn't she ever seen a horror movie?
The re-writing/changing never ends :-). This certainly has suspense - and Ebony is definitely braver than I would be.
consider finding another word for shallowed - and I wondered since it refers to the room as her father's "old study" - does this mean her father now uses a different room and/or has a different study?
Overall great #8Sentence - the suspense is there and leads the reader on...good job.
Curiouser and curiouser... :)
Tense! she's brave, will be interesting to see what happens next. Terrific snippet...
Most of your snippet allows for clear visualization but I did pause at her breath shallowing; not real sure I know what you mean here. Did she catch her breath (holding it), or did her breathing just slow down? I do like the sense of suspense you've created although I'd probably dive under the cover too!
Oooo. The suspense is killing me. What happens next???
Oooo.... I would so be climbing out my window or something. Talk about spooky.
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