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8 sentences continued from last Sunday's WWW from my novel Bloodstone.
~~Read what happened last here.
She clenched her jaw and peered out. She cursed inside, without any lights on, she could barely see. Aside from the white kitchen tile, everything looked like a black blob of nothingness. Ebony slinked quietly out of the room to the kitchen, clinging to the wall, feeling her way. She edged toward the cast iron pan hanging above the stove. While her heart might be protesting in her chest, she’d be damned if some guy thought he could break into her house and steal any fricken thing.
Ebony carefully slid the pan from the hook and snuck up to the swinging door to her father’s study. She heard the shuffle of shoes on carpet, so close she was sure he’d be coming through any moment.
15 comments:
You're a natural, Summer. I love it. :)
My hearts pounding. Fabulously done, Summer.
I really want to see her fight with a pan.
She seems really courageous, I would probably have tried to call for help.
Wow, your heroine is one brave chick! Loved the tension, can't wait to see what happens next!
ooh, tense! Great build up can't wait to see who it is!
Lovely details in this! I'm wondering if it's someone she knows who will wake up with a big headache in the morning. LOL
Excellent Snippet! I love how you've set the scene up! I'm dying to know what happens next!
Hey Summer. You're really continuing that sense of creepiness here. I'm drawn right along with Ebony.
Are you up for a couple of suggestions? I don't think you need 'quietly' because 'slinked' implies that and dropping it would lose an adverb which are notoriously easy to overuse.
You might also be able to drop "of nothingness" since describing the kitchen as a black blob presents an image of nothingness all by itself; at least to me.
I'm so curious about who that person in her house is! You bet I'll be back next week ;-)
Eeep! What happens next? She hits the guy right? ;)
That's really scary. good job.
I agree with Owl lady. If this was a movie, music would add to the dramatic suspense. Terrific eight.
Uh oh! Someone is about to get their bell wrung! Excellent job of writing tension, Summer. :-)
Where is the father? Will he get bashed?!
Great build up of suspense! Just one little point; hope you don't mind. In the first two sentences you use the word "she" three times. Seems a bit awkward.
I do have to agree with owllady about a few things to consider changing. But other than that this was great. Is she really going to smack an intruder with a frying pan? Awesome!
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